On the eve of Thanksgiving, which also happens to be the due date of our first baby, I can’t help but have so many things going through my mind. I should be thankful for all I have right? I should be over the moon to be holding a 3 week old and on maternity leave? I should be proud of the journey my husband and I have been on, right?
Wrong. I mean I am all those things, but I am also filled with guilt and other feelings.
<This is unedited and what I feel. I am very much in love with my baby girl and currently typing with one hand while holding her precious little self.>
I can’t stop thinking about everything we have been through. I can’t stop thinking about the fact that it took us years of trying to conceive. And then on top of it, we had two miscarriages within 4 months of each other. I can’t stop imagining our first baby who would be one right now. I can’t stop thinking about the counseling sessions, fertility appointments, months and months of scheduling everything around my cycle. I can’t stop thinking about the trips I hated going on because it messed with our doctor appointments so we would have to wait another month. I hated that my co-workers and friends in SC knew a different Ashley than the successful, happy, healthy, optimistic, outgoing one from my college years. I am sad every time my life calms down that I think about my friends and the many strangers on social media that are still battling infertility. How/Why do we get the opportunity to become parents to this precious little girl? Why are we given this chance? I am sad that this baby girl has a very real chance of having infertility issues when she grows up. It affects 1 in 7 women now, not sure what it will be like in 30 years. Yes, I am slowly turning into a crazy person…
Bottom line: I don’t know why we were “lucky” enough to go through all of the issues to have a baby. Something our bodies are meant to do.
I have read books about pregnancy and healthy babies after miscarriages and infertility, and I understand it now. Our past experiences will always be with us. And honestly I think that is great. I know that if anything it made us better people and better parents. Last night Aveline had her first bad night of sleep and I didn’t really care. I snuggled with her and took pictures of her all night because she was so alert and cute. Would I have been like that without our struggles? Who knows. So I guess in the end, it’s okay. It wasn’t fair and it is frustrating to try and make sense of it all, so I guess this will be my last post about it. I will always remember the first two babies and all of the great, and scary experiences involved. But I will not dwell. This is me moving on.
I will still be a support person to the many friends of mine dealing with this, and I hope if anything I am giving them hope that one day we will all be holding our precious babies. I hope that during this holiday season, when you are visiting with family, please be respectful of the young married couple’s privacy. Don’t ask personal questions about when they are going to start their families or why they aren’t drinking wine at dinner. They very well could be on medicine for a fertility treatment, or they could be on a strict diet, or they simply could be depressed and could be avoiding alcohol under the suggestion of their counselor. More importantly, don’t complain about your kiddos. I would have given anything to have a crazy 1 year old running around tomorrow coloring on the walls.
To my friends who are struggling with infertility, please know I never want to make you upset when you see a picture I have posted to social media regarding my pregnancy or baby. I unfollowed many people over the years, because I could not handle it… I get it. I pray daily for you all and hope your miracles are coming in 2017.