Coming Clean

So, I have something to confess. I am terribly upset and frustrated with myself right now. Of course, you all can probably guess it has to do with my weight. But here is where many of you will be shocked or maybe not. I have already lost all of my baby weight from Aveline. I lost that about 11 days after she was born. I only gained 26 lbs the whole pregnancy, so for it come off quickly I wasn’t too surprised. I actually need to lose the baby weight from Baby #1 and everything I gained from the lovely journey of trying to get pregnant. When we got pregnant with Baby #3(Aveline) in Feb of 2016, I was at my heaviest I have ever been…..and you better believe the irony of that is not lost on me. I was at my heaviest and most unhealthy when I got pregnant with our healthiest baby that went full term and survived. So weird…and annoying. I don’t understand why or the reasoning behind it anymore, and I am trying to stop asking and now in the mode of fixing it and getting my healthy body, mind and spirit back!

I don’t want you all to think I am ungrateful for what my body has done. I am in awe of what is had done and what it continues to do.

To date my body has…

-Conceived 3 babies

-Delivered 1 healthy baby naturally

-Allows me to breastfeed, and continues to allow me to breastfeed with no issues

-Completed 1 marathon and countless half marathons

-Completed an entire 2 month program of Insanity!

 

BUT it has also failed me 2 really big ways….

-Miscarried 2 angels

-Gained and lost 50 or so pounds over 3 years.

I know I will never be able to control or prevent a miscarriage. But I do know when I am at my healthiest, I am happy, confident and definitely more social. I have to focus and get my body back from the crappy few years that ruined it. I know I can do it, but its scary….annoying…frustrating….stupid. It’s stupid that I let the stress and grief and anxiety and emotions of infertility, 2 miscarriages and Krypto passing effect my life so greatly. So many moments I missed out on or didn’t fully enjoy because of how I felt. Mainly how ashamed I felt. It’s crazy to think I started to get in really good shape to start our family, and then how the universe repaid me. lol I Just will never understand it.

This was me in summer of 2013: (Right after I completed Insanity)

 

You can tell how happy I am in my eyes….(Clearly I had no idea what was about to happen over the course of the next 3 years)

And then you start to see where it changes: IN JUST about 7-8 months….

 

And then here is when I hit rock bottom. My twin nephews were 13 days old, and I was 12 days after my 2nd miscarriage. I was conflicted with so many emotions, while also healing physically from my d and c. Again, when looking at my eyes, I feel I could write a whole novel about what I was thinking. And it has nothing to do with the twins, if anything it was the best medicine I could have used at the moment! Well and not to mention the way Avery always made me feel:)

Well today is Day 1. I am focusing on my health and making it a top priority. (Well it may be sharing a spotlight with my little one while I still figure out how to balance it all.) It will take priority over my job, household chores, volunteer commitments, etc. It has to or I am going to go right back into the crappy routine I was in.

Here is my WHY:

-Obviously for better health today, tomorrow and 30 years from now

-To be a role model to my child(ren) and to my nieces and nephews….I know what we eat and how we eat is already being watched by Avery, my 3 yr old niece. We have to be better for her.

-I am more successful when I am confident and I know I am more confident when I am healthy

-To be a better partner to my husband, to be his equal and support his dreams….like running more marathons! lol

or in a nutshell:

 

HOW am I going to do it? One day at a time. I need to simply eat better and get my body moving. It’s not rocket science. I have had success with the Beachbody programs in the past, so that is what I am going to try again…..and you can’t beat working out from home while a baby is watching you and laughing….:) I will be shooting for a goal of weightloss by my golden birthday! Turning 30 on July 30th! Not sure I want to do a ton of updates on here, but I may blog about something other than Aveline every now and then. Just to keep track of what is working and not working and things like that. I thrive when I have an outlet, and right now this blog is my outlet. Hope you all don’t mind the non-baby posts for a bit!

 

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